Wednesday, November 21
> Ive got lots of photos to show..
It had officially became a routine, a standard, a norm to eat when i got home from work. I finally brainwashed myself that i only have one life to live and i shall not refrain from doing what i wanna do - which is to eat.
So crap! HAHAHAH but yah lah, ive been religiously eating supper every day and i dont care anymore!
Okay so, i have something to say...
I finally met up with this bitch here after so so so so long!
The taitaiswannabe met on a Sunday afternoon for shopping and high tea gossips!
We had two objectives in mind when we met. First was to shop and buy lotsa stuffs, second was to catch up with each other and gossip non stop! I mean, what else can you expect when you put two girls together in town? hahahha
Very sadly, we yak yak yak too much that we didnt have much time to go shopping. And there's one thing i just dont understand. Singapore is always hot and sunny throughout the entire year so why must those shops follow the 'fall-winter season'? There was nothing for us to buy! We walked till our legs almost broke and all i bought was a top from MNG and Eunice bought two.
So disappointing!
We had some food at Coffee Club halfway while shopping because i was starving.
Muddy mud pie for the mother cow and
some mushroom swiss sandwhich for me. This is sooooo good! The cheese tastes different from the others i tried and this is so mamalicious good! Big servings of mushrooms too i like!!
So, we yakyakyak non stop about anyting and everything. From work to studies to bitches to personal life to this to that. And we took lotsa photos!
I seriously suck at taking self shots because everytime i tried to take a nice picture of it, it will turn out like this..
I almost block myself out from the photos and i totally give up after trying many times so we took timer shots.
Looking at this picture, it reminds me that whenever we tried to make funny poses, i look like shit. Freaking ugly! Some of my friends still look so good when they do funny poses, but i look freaking terrible!!
And then we took Xi-Nu-Ai-Le.
And i think i look like goofy when doing the "Nu", i look hilarious rather than being angry!
I had a really great time last Sunday meeting up with Eunice. We should do this more often!
We ended the night with a late dinner/supper at NYDC with ..
Mushroom madness pizza
Meatball spaghetti and
Ice chocolate elephanchino.
Soooo sinfully good!
It had officially became a routine, a standard, a norm to eat when i got home from work. I finally brainwashed myself that i only have one life to live and i shall not refrain from doing what i wanna do - which is to eat.
So crap! HAHAHAH but yah lah, ive been religiously eating supper every day and i dont care anymore!
Okay so, i have something to say...
I finally met up with this bitch here after so so so so long!
The taitaiswannabe met on a Sunday afternoon for shopping and high tea gossips!
We had two objectives in mind when we met. First was to shop and buy lotsa stuffs, second was to catch up with each other and gossip non stop! I mean, what else can you expect when you put two girls together in town? hahahha
Very sadly, we yak yak yak too much that we didnt have much time to go shopping. And there's one thing i just dont understand. Singapore is always hot and sunny throughout the entire year so why must those shops follow the 'fall-winter season'? There was nothing for us to buy! We walked till our legs almost broke and all i bought was a top from MNG and Eunice bought two.
So disappointing!
We had some food at Coffee Club halfway while shopping because i was starving.
Muddy mud pie for the mother cow and
some mushroom swiss sandwhich for me. This is sooooo good! The cheese tastes different from the others i tried and this is so mamalicious good! Big servings of mushrooms too i like!!
So, we yakyakyak non stop about anyting and everything. From work to studies to bitches to personal life to this to that. And we took lotsa photos!
I seriously suck at taking self shots because everytime i tried to take a nice picture of it, it will turn out like this..
I almost block myself out from the photos and i totally give up after trying many times so we took timer shots.
Looking at this picture, it reminds me that whenever we tried to make funny poses, i look like shit. Freaking ugly! Some of my friends still look so good when they do funny poses, but i look freaking terrible!!
And then we took Xi-Nu-Ai-Le.
And i think i look like goofy when doing the "Nu", i look hilarious rather than being angry!
I had a really great time last Sunday meeting up with Eunice. We should do this more often!
We ended the night with a late dinner/supper at NYDC with ..
Mushroom madness pizza
Meatball spaghetti and
Ice chocolate elephanchino.
Soooo sinfully good!
sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:21:00 am
___________________________________________
Tuesday, November 20
> Andrew's 21st birthday bash
Attended Andrew's 21st bithday at Aranda on Saturday. Being a very lazy and practical person, i gave him an angbao! The same tactic used on Guang's 20th birthday last year.
Hahahah. I hope you like it An-drool!
I dont really know his friends well, even though they were from TP. So i was quite alone when i first reached. Luckily Fuad came along while i waited for Vincent and Huan Kai to reach.
Havent seen Andrew and Guang for more than a year already! Havent been really close to start with, but its always good to catch up with friends.
Typical Andrew's smile. Always make me wanna laugh.
Let me introduce you to Lim Chong Guang. So irritating lah!
He kept going around telling people who i dont know and even people who i know "Let me introduce you to her. She's Amberlina, you can call her Amber for short. TP Pageant 2005 contestant number 1. Famous for ballet, 160 votes."
So mad!!!
Huan Kai and I..
Vincent and I..
Made me waited so long for them! Luckily, Fuad came..
Hello fireman =]
I rushed off right after the cutting of cake ceremony because i was almost late for Beowulf with Leonard Khoo, Dominic, Wen Qin, Eric and iforgothisnamesuddenly. The movie's quite okay. I rate it 3.5/5 I dont really like the plot of it, its nothing really special but the animation is sooooo good! Im totally impressed!
Halfway past the movie i kept argueing with Leonard because i thought only the start of the movie is animated. The humans look so real that i kept insisting that's its real. Leonard kept saying that its animated and i dont believe so i turned to my right and asked Dominic. Then, he told me the entire movie is animated and i just had to shuttup and believe its purely animation.
But really, it looks so real!!
Then we went for supper at McDonalds. Yes fat, i know.
I got home at 4am and my mum woke up. She came into my greencomfyroom and told me something. Before we knew it, we started chatting all the way till 8am! OMG its madness i tell you. Who on earth chit chat at this hour? And with your mum?!
I like it though.. she told me so many things i never knew and i too, told her all the past misdeeds like sneaking outta the house after midnight when they were asleep and things like that. We yak yak yak non stop and to think i went home early so i can sleep earlier because i was meeting Eunice the next day at 2.30pm!
I was totally zombified when i woke up at 1pm. But i really enjoyed the 4 hours conversation at a very weird hour.
I have a lot of pictures to upload but i'll do it on another post tomorrow instead.
For now, i have pictures of my narcissism. Heh!
Sorry, very dirty mirror i have. ahahha
30mins more to 5am!
Attended Andrew's 21st bithday at Aranda on Saturday. Being a very lazy and practical person, i gave him an angbao! The same tactic used on Guang's 20th birthday last year.
Hahahah. I hope you like it An-drool!
I dont really know his friends well, even though they were from TP. So i was quite alone when i first reached. Luckily Fuad came along while i waited for Vincent and Huan Kai to reach.
Havent seen Andrew and Guang for more than a year already! Havent been really close to start with, but its always good to catch up with friends.
Typical Andrew's smile. Always make me wanna laugh.
Let me introduce you to Lim Chong Guang. So irritating lah!
He kept going around telling people who i dont know and even people who i know "Let me introduce you to her. She's Amberlina, you can call her Amber for short. TP Pageant 2005 contestant number 1. Famous for ballet, 160 votes."
So mad!!!
Huan Kai and I..
Vincent and I..
Made me waited so long for them! Luckily, Fuad came..
Hello fireman =]
I rushed off right after the cutting of cake ceremony because i was almost late for Beowulf with Leonard Khoo, Dominic, Wen Qin, Eric and iforgothisnamesuddenly. The movie's quite okay. I rate it 3.5/5 I dont really like the plot of it, its nothing really special but the animation is sooooo good! Im totally impressed!
Halfway past the movie i kept argueing with Leonard because i thought only the start of the movie is animated. The humans look so real that i kept insisting that's its real. Leonard kept saying that its animated and i dont believe so i turned to my right and asked Dominic. Then, he told me the entire movie is animated and i just had to shuttup and believe its purely animation.
But really, it looks so real!!
Then we went for supper at McDonalds. Yes fat, i know.
I got home at 4am and my mum woke up. She came into my greencomfyroom and told me something. Before we knew it, we started chatting all the way till 8am! OMG its madness i tell you. Who on earth chit chat at this hour? And with your mum?!
I like it though.. she told me so many things i never knew and i too, told her all the past misdeeds like sneaking outta the house after midnight when they were asleep and things like that. We yak yak yak non stop and to think i went home early so i can sleep earlier because i was meeting Eunice the next day at 2.30pm!
I was totally zombified when i woke up at 1pm. But i really enjoyed the 4 hours conversation at a very weird hour.
I have a lot of pictures to upload but i'll do it on another post tomorrow instead.
For now, i have pictures of my narcissism. Heh!
Sorry, very dirty mirror i have. ahahha
30mins more to 5am!
sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:51:00 am
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Saturday, November 17
> ms grumpy is now ms annoyed
This is so ridiculous. Its so damn annoying. Ive been tossing around for the past 1 hour and i cant get to sleep at all. Im seriously pissed. I slept at 7.30am yesterday morning (considering now being Saturday, woke up late and took a cab to work.
I am so damn tired. Mentally and emotionally drained and all i want is just to have a good night rest and yet im suffering from insomnia. This is such a joke.
I had a terrible bad day at work today and i havent been feeling the best of moods recently. Then again, when was the last time i actually felt happy for once? I cant remember.. i probably never did.
I hate going to work. I seriously hate it now. I thought i could tolerate and just ignore all the unpleasant stuffs but it had reached the summit, its way over my limits. I can take it no more!!! I dont mind the heavy workload, i dont mind the long weird working hours, i dont mind staring at 2 monitors till my eyes go blur, and i dont mind doing what i am doing now at work but i just cant tolerate that ONE person that's just so annoying.
He seriously annoyed the shit of me and i am bloody pissed!!!!
I can write like 1000 words essay of how annoying he is and the things he do that pisses me off but i decided to give it a miss because that would just make me even more pissed.
I always have much confidence in myself and believe that i am a strong person, not a weakling. But now, i feel so weak i just wanna break down and cry. I dont know why im going through this crap.
Am i too young? too childish? too immature to handle what "adults" in the working world has to handle? I am a very blunt person, i hate beating around the bush. My emotions and tone of speech easily show the truth of what my heart is feeling and thinking. Im not a boot-licker and i seriously dont care whether or not you're my supervisor, seriously.
So what if you are? You create a mess of my work when im not around when you're supposed to cover my job. You push all the shit jobs that you dont wanna do to me thinking that im a pushover. This is totally crap, its absurb!
So what if you're the man who feedbacks my performance to the boss, that doesnt mean i have to worship you or suck up to you so that i can get a good review or something. I am not that kinda person and i will never be. Our job scope is clearly defined, i dont see why i should help you do what you're supposed to do which you dont wanna do. Im a freeaking level ONE who gets like the lowest pay in the entire company and you are the supervisor who gets much higher pay than i do. So why should i be picking up shit queries that's not even within my role and responsibilities?!?!?!?!?!?
I dont mind helping, if you dont have the time. I dont mind doing what you dont wanna do, provided that im free. But i have so many crap to do as well so why should i even be looking into yours when i dont even have the freaking time to look into mine. And at the end of day if i dont clear my crap, you'll be annoying me again with "Amber, why didnt you blahblahblah..." or "Amber, have you done this? have you done that?" or "Amber, why didnt you prioritise this..blahblahblah" or "Amber, did you call blahblahblah".
IT IS SO ANNOYING!!!
I hate it when somebody bosses me around. Dont tell me things like "he's your supervisor, he's got the authority to". Thats just crap. Because he's not exactly my supervisor? He's just probably got the highest level in the team and he thinks that im good to bully cos im a fucking diploma graduate and a green horn in the industry.
You know what? ..|.. u.
On a lighter note, my leave is finally approved during the x'mas week and i decided to spend x'mas this year with my family instead. Thinking of going on a holiday. Hopefully there's still air tickets and what not available. Not too sure where to go yet though. Hong Kong? Taiwan? Shanghai? Japan?
Great..its 7.30am. Ms grumy+annoyed+superpissed is gonna try to catch some sleep. May Monday never come.
This is so ridiculous. Its so damn annoying. Ive been tossing around for the past 1 hour and i cant get to sleep at all. Im seriously pissed. I slept at 7.30am yesterday morning (considering now being Saturday, woke up late and took a cab to work.
I am so damn tired. Mentally and emotionally drained and all i want is just to have a good night rest and yet im suffering from insomnia. This is such a joke.
I had a terrible bad day at work today and i havent been feeling the best of moods recently. Then again, when was the last time i actually felt happy for once? I cant remember.. i probably never did.
I hate going to work. I seriously hate it now. I thought i could tolerate and just ignore all the unpleasant stuffs but it had reached the summit, its way over my limits. I can take it no more!!! I dont mind the heavy workload, i dont mind the long weird working hours, i dont mind staring at 2 monitors till my eyes go blur, and i dont mind doing what i am doing now at work but i just cant tolerate that ONE person that's just so annoying.
He seriously annoyed the shit of me and i am bloody pissed!!!!
I can write like 1000 words essay of how annoying he is and the things he do that pisses me off but i decided to give it a miss because that would just make me even more pissed.
I always have much confidence in myself and believe that i am a strong person, not a weakling. But now, i feel so weak i just wanna break down and cry. I dont know why im going through this crap.
Am i too young? too childish? too immature to handle what "adults" in the working world has to handle? I am a very blunt person, i hate beating around the bush. My emotions and tone of speech easily show the truth of what my heart is feeling and thinking. Im not a boot-licker and i seriously dont care whether or not you're my supervisor, seriously.
So what if you are? You create a mess of my work when im not around when you're supposed to cover my job. You push all the shit jobs that you dont wanna do to me thinking that im a pushover. This is totally crap, its absurb!
So what if you're the man who feedbacks my performance to the boss, that doesnt mean i have to worship you or suck up to you so that i can get a good review or something. I am not that kinda person and i will never be. Our job scope is clearly defined, i dont see why i should help you do what you're supposed to do which you dont wanna do. Im a freeaking level ONE who gets like the lowest pay in the entire company and you are the supervisor who gets much higher pay than i do. So why should i be picking up shit queries that's not even within my role and responsibilities?!?!?!?!?!?
I dont mind helping, if you dont have the time. I dont mind doing what you dont wanna do, provided that im free. But i have so many crap to do as well so why should i even be looking into yours when i dont even have the freaking time to look into mine. And at the end of day if i dont clear my crap, you'll be annoying me again with "Amber, why didnt you blahblahblah..." or "Amber, have you done this? have you done that?" or "Amber, why didnt you prioritise this..blahblahblah" or "Amber, did you call blahblahblah".
IT IS SO ANNOYING!!!
I hate it when somebody bosses me around. Dont tell me things like "he's your supervisor, he's got the authority to". Thats just crap. Because he's not exactly my supervisor? He's just probably got the highest level in the team and he thinks that im good to bully cos im a fucking diploma graduate and a green horn in the industry.
You know what? ..|.. u.
On a lighter note, my leave is finally approved during the x'mas week and i decided to spend x'mas this year with my family instead. Thinking of going on a holiday. Hopefully there's still air tickets and what not available. Not too sure where to go yet though. Hong Kong? Taiwan? Shanghai? Japan?
Great..its 7.30am. Ms grumy+annoyed+superpissed is gonna try to catch some sleep. May Monday never come.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 6:46:00 am
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Friday, November 16
> i seriously need to practice self-control
Okay guess what?
I just ate an entire BIG bowl of potato with egg salad and a bar of snickers. And its like 3.30am?!!?!
Have i already told you i ate 3 slices of toast bread with margarine last night at about 4am?!?!
Sigh..talk about trying to slim down. Im not even trying! I cant resisttttt....
Life, is so boring.
Monday to Friday i go to work hoping that the weekends would come soon. But when the weekends finally arrive, i have absolutely nothing to do!
Last Saturday was a totally wasted day. I woke up at 5.30pm and rot in front of the computer and television because i was too lazy to move an inch. I chilled for so long in my comfygreenroom until 1.30am before Leonard picked me up and we headed town to meet Wayne and HuiQi for Stardust that starts at 2.45am. My entire Sat gone just like that!
I was dying to watch Stardust but i was a little disappointed. Heard lots of good reviews on it but i dont really think it was that fantastic. Its true the movie's good, like 4/5 stars but its not like absolutely fantastic. I dont know about you, but this is just my 2cents worth. Maybe its because i heard too many 'wows' about it and got my expectations too high up for it. Oh well..still a good movie to catch nonetheless!
Have i even mentioned Sunday? I woke up at 5.30pm again and stayed in my comfygreenroom the entire day till 12am and went back to my room to sleep. And that's the way it had been since i started work. *faints
I hope for better weekends this week and i know it would be because Saturday is Andrew's 21st birthday party and i'll be meeting Eunice on Sunday for shopping! YAYNESS!
And......im going to the kitchen to get myself a glass of coke (yes, i know. fats.) and wait till 5am before my show starts.
Okay guess what?
I just ate an entire BIG bowl of potato with egg salad and a bar of snickers. And its like 3.30am?!!?!
Have i already told you i ate 3 slices of toast bread with margarine last night at about 4am?!?!
Sigh..talk about trying to slim down. Im not even trying! I cant resisttttt....
Life, is so boring.
Monday to Friday i go to work hoping that the weekends would come soon. But when the weekends finally arrive, i have absolutely nothing to do!
Last Saturday was a totally wasted day. I woke up at 5.30pm and rot in front of the computer and television because i was too lazy to move an inch. I chilled for so long in my comfygreenroom until 1.30am before Leonard picked me up and we headed town to meet Wayne and HuiQi for Stardust that starts at 2.45am. My entire Sat gone just like that!
I was dying to watch Stardust but i was a little disappointed. Heard lots of good reviews on it but i dont really think it was that fantastic. Its true the movie's good, like 4/5 stars but its not like absolutely fantastic. I dont know about you, but this is just my 2cents worth. Maybe its because i heard too many 'wows' about it and got my expectations too high up for it. Oh well..still a good movie to catch nonetheless!
Have i even mentioned Sunday? I woke up at 5.30pm again and stayed in my comfygreenroom the entire day till 12am and went back to my room to sleep. And that's the way it had been since i started work. *faints
I hope for better weekends this week and i know it would be because Saturday is Andrew's 21st birthday party and i'll be meeting Eunice on Sunday for shopping! YAYNESS!
And......im going to the kitchen to get myself a glass of coke (yes, i know. fats.) and wait till 5am before my show starts.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:27:00 am
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Saturday, November 10
> ..and the early birds start chirping..
Its quite crappy why i cant get to sleep now after tossing right and left on my bed for a good 45 minutes. Its almost 7am!!
I get to leave at 10pm from work today. Long ge being mr nice guy (or rather he's just bored of staying home) picked me up from work and we had dinner at East Coast before getting back to my place for a mahjong session. I won $50 ^^
Checked my bank statement today and felt that i overspent again this month when i cant even recall what i spent on. Havent really had a good shopping spree for some time now and i dont know where all my money went to? Bills bills and more bills.
Speaking of which, i havent paid my hp bills yet. Damn.
I like to see my bank savings with a whole number, so that means i can only spend about $300 more till my next pay which comes in about 2 weeks? That is really quite impossible unless..
1) No shopping spree till the next pay
2) Stay home for the next two weekends and not spend a single cent (quite impossible though)
3) Religiously wake up early and take the freaking MRT to work instead of cab (sighhhhh)
4) Make sure i finish my work early/on time so my colleagues will share cab with me after work if not its damn expensive to take mid-night cab home everyday
5) Eat cheap meals for dinner
6) Smoke less = buy lesser packets of ciggs
Quite hard to achieve though.
I seriously dont know where all my money went to. Getting this amount of pay monthly should be able to help me save quite a bit, since im not really somebody who spends a lot on materialistic stuffs. But it seems like my sis (who earns about 1/2 or 2/3 of what i earn) seems to have lots more money than i do. Damnit!
Insurance, hp bill, mom's allowance, monthly fixed deposits, transportation + meal expenses and other misc stuffs like ciggs and what not takes up almost my entire pay already. That sucks. I havent even included shopping yet!
Quite keen on investing in the stock market but im a low risk taker. I cant bear to see my hard earned money gone when the market goes down and share prices dropping. I am always so full of contradiction, i hate myself for that.
Maybe i should play more mahjong to earn extra pocket money. Then again, i dont win ALL the time. Today's quite lucky. Luck wasnt so good but still managed to win a little.
We used to play only 20cents-40cents and occasiaonally 30cents-60cents (which already give us the scares). Now? We play 50cents-1dollar and i dont really feel a thing already. I think soon, we will move on to 1dollar-2dollar and that might be our new comfort level. Quite scary to know how much of a gambler ive become. I know, im a hard core mahjong addict and its so hard to resist!
I feel so jaded recently. I think i need a break. I wanna go on another holiday. Somewhere where i can take things totally off my mind. But i cant apply for leave due to shortage of manpower.
All outta sudden, i feel like going on a trip to Europe. Visit my "friends"(people i know who's in London from work) and go on a shopping spree and spend my entire savings bringing home baggages of branded stuffs.
I think im dreaming.
Im going to wait till my parents wake up and probably join them for breakfast. And i hope they wake up soon because i am quite hungry.
Bye now!
Its quite crappy why i cant get to sleep now after tossing right and left on my bed for a good 45 minutes. Its almost 7am!!
I get to leave at 10pm from work today. Long ge being mr nice guy (or rather he's just bored of staying home) picked me up from work and we had dinner at East Coast before getting back to my place for a mahjong session. I won $50 ^^
Checked my bank statement today and felt that i overspent again this month when i cant even recall what i spent on. Havent really had a good shopping spree for some time now and i dont know where all my money went to? Bills bills and more bills.
Speaking of which, i havent paid my hp bills yet. Damn.
I like to see my bank savings with a whole number, so that means i can only spend about $300 more till my next pay which comes in about 2 weeks? That is really quite impossible unless..
1) No shopping spree till the next pay
2) Stay home for the next two weekends and not spend a single cent (quite impossible though)
3) Religiously wake up early and take the freaking MRT to work instead of cab (sighhhhh)
4) Make sure i finish my work early/on time so my colleagues will share cab with me after work if not its damn expensive to take mid-night cab home everyday
5) Eat cheap meals for dinner
6) Smoke less = buy lesser packets of ciggs
Quite hard to achieve though.
I seriously dont know where all my money went to. Getting this amount of pay monthly should be able to help me save quite a bit, since im not really somebody who spends a lot on materialistic stuffs. But it seems like my sis (who earns about 1/2 or 2/3 of what i earn) seems to have lots more money than i do. Damnit!
Insurance, hp bill, mom's allowance, monthly fixed deposits, transportation + meal expenses and other misc stuffs like ciggs and what not takes up almost my entire pay already. That sucks. I havent even included shopping yet!
Quite keen on investing in the stock market but im a low risk taker. I cant bear to see my hard earned money gone when the market goes down and share prices dropping. I am always so full of contradiction, i hate myself for that.
Maybe i should play more mahjong to earn extra pocket money. Then again, i dont win ALL the time. Today's quite lucky. Luck wasnt so good but still managed to win a little.
We used to play only 20cents-40cents and occasiaonally 30cents-60cents (which already give us the scares). Now? We play 50cents-1dollar and i dont really feel a thing already. I think soon, we will move on to 1dollar-2dollar and that might be our new comfort level. Quite scary to know how much of a gambler ive become. I know, im a hard core mahjong addict and its so hard to resist!
I feel so jaded recently. I think i need a break. I wanna go on another holiday. Somewhere where i can take things totally off my mind. But i cant apply for leave due to shortage of manpower.
All outta sudden, i feel like going on a trip to Europe. Visit my "friends"(people i know who's in London from work) and go on a shopping spree and spend my entire savings bringing home baggages of branded stuffs.
I think im dreaming.
Im going to wait till my parents wake up and probably join them for breakfast. And i hope they wake up soon because i am quite hungry.
Bye now!
sealed-with-a-kiss < 6:40:00 am
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Thursday, November 8
> fat fat fattttt
I sinned.
Every night when i reach home, i have to wait at least 2 hours before my show starts. Besides watching other tv programs to wait for the right time, i binge on food.
I eat non stop! A lot! Every night i eat chicken wings! Omg! This is so scary. I tried to stay away but i kept walking to it and eat it!
I hate myself.
Work is still on tomorrow despite it being a public holiday. But that means gooooood foooodddd!!
Something's wrong with my tagboard and i cant remember my login ID and Password. Dang.
I sinned.
Every night when i reach home, i have to wait at least 2 hours before my show starts. Besides watching other tv programs to wait for the right time, i binge on food.
I eat non stop! A lot! Every night i eat chicken wings! Omg! This is so scary. I tried to stay away but i kept walking to it and eat it!
I hate myself.
Work is still on tomorrow despite it being a public holiday. But that means gooooood foooodddd!!
Something's wrong with my tagboard and i cant remember my login ID and Password. Dang.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:20:00 am
___________________________________________
Sunday, November 4
>
I bought a new ring and gotten a new credit card. So im a happier girl now!
I wanna get a new watch, any good recommendations pls?
I bought a new ring and gotten a new credit card. So im a happier girl now!
I wanna get a new watch, any good recommendations pls?
sealed-with-a-kiss < 6:50:00 pm
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Friday, November 2
> driving my own life crazy
Last Sat when Leonard drove me home after supper at FeiFei, we exchanged random chats about his NS life, and suddenly he asked me a question.
"how come so long you still got no boyfriend huh?"
It got me pretty lost of words for a while because one, i dont expect him to ask me that and two, i really dont know what to say.
My mom and my close friends often ask me that question and i always get stumped. This time, it really got me thinking. I cant believe im now getting affected over a question!
I told Leonard that there are no guys going after me. Im probably too fat, or maybe too "man" (fyi, im so like a guy) for them. He said "cannot be, seriously you this kind sure alot of guys one, i see so many buang girls on the streets also got boyriend. You this type why will dont have."
I very seriously told him that there are no guys around me who i personally know who's interested in me. If they're interested but i dont know then that's worst because this kinda guy very useless.
The ratio of my guy friends to girls in my circle of friends is probably 8:1. I have different group of close guy friends but i've never got attracted to them, neither will they be interested in me.
So what exactly's the problem? 3 and a half years. Ive been living my life alone like that for 3 and a half years. Its not like i dont enjoy my singlehood. I like it when i dont have to tell someone else my whereabouts, where im going, who im going out with, what im doing. Or thinking about what he's doing, why didnt he call, is he out with another girl and things like that. I dont have to put in extra effort for somebody because i only have myself to care for.
I will only be somebody's girlfriend if i know the guy for a good few years and throughout the good few years, we've been pretty close friend. I must feel very comfortable with him, to the extent that i can meet him even without having make-up on, even when im in my pyjamas with pimple cream all over my face. I can say anything to him and do anything without thinking of preserving a good image or worry that his opinion about me will change. I must be myself in front of him and whatever unglam stuffs (probably sit with my legs on the table, pluck my armpit hair or something hahahha) im doing wouldnt affect his impression of me because we're too close and comfortable with each other already. I wanna know his family and they know mine too even when we're just friends because that makes me even more comfortable being together.
But the closer i am with my guy friends, the more i wont have that kinda feelings for them.
Can you ever imagine myself falling in love with anyone from the BBCs (except for Leonard since we once dated) nor the supper gang (can anyone ever imagine myself with Siwei or Eric or Leonard Khoo or WenQin or Alvin or Tze Shing?!?!?!) And i'll also not see myself being in love with the icytongers (like hello????)I dont think i'll be with any of the guys from BSC either!
But i do love to be out with them because they're ever so frank and fun. And to them, im just like another guy-friend.
And then i thought a little further. Was it because of the last break up that got me so badly hurt that i no longer believe in relationships? I think it did affect me quite a lot. I mean, i did go on dates with a couple of guys before and they were of pretty good boyfriend material. But whenever the thought of getting into a relationship, i'll start to withdraw. And thats exactly how my biggest regret came along, but thats another story altogether.
Just a few weeks ago, i dropped my last boyfriend a sms just to wish him a happy 26 birthday. He replied asking me who i am. That, im not really surprised. He probably lost his mobile or something, or delibrately delete me off from his list years ago. Then we exchanged a couple more random smses before we stopped at the last. He apologised, apologised for treating me the way he did and hurting me so badly. And i laughed it off, saying that its been so long and he's too silly to even mention it.
I cant believe i actually laughed it off, cos now im feeling the soar. Sorry? You're only telling me that youre sorry for the way you've treated me after 3 and a half years? And that's the only thing you can say? That you're sorry?
Throughout these period of time, have u ever changed? Have you really been sorry? If you had, you wouldnt have hurt more girls around you. What does a sorry mean to you? How much does that word actually weigh? Its probably just a word to you, but that overdued sorry made my life a huge turmoil. I didnt wait 3 and a half years just to hear you say sorry. I didnt exactly wait 3 and a half years for you, but the last break up made me a very very different person.
Yes, you people might think that im still young, and there's lots more chances and better guys out there. But tell me, how many more 3 years do i have to wait? How many more 3 years do i have to nurse this and finally dare to believe in relationships again? How many more 3 years will there be?
Times flies like a passing train. Time wait for no man. 3 years ago when im 17, my friends consoled me, telling me im still young and there will be more guys out there in the Poly. 3 years flew by and Amber is still the same old Amber.
3 years later, i'll be 23 and to think when im much younger i told myself that thats my ideal age of marriage and then we'll have kids at 25 and start a young happy family.
You think it'll come true? I think not because i'll probably still be the same Amber then.
3 years after 3 years, and more 3 years after 3 years. My birthday cake will soon have 3 big candles and probably a few small ones. And i can almost imagine that by then, i'll still be the same old Amber. The people who will celebrate my birthday, would not be my own very family with my hubby and kids, but my close friends' family with their hubby and kids.
That is such a sad scenerio but i can almost picture it.
Can you feel me? Can you feel my insecurities? Can you feel my fear? You cant. Because you people dont know how bad things were that ive gotten through.
You know, i am so envious of Shalyn, Meiting and Bird. I may not say it, but im really really jealous of you girls. Ups and downs of your relationships, going rounds and rounds in search for the one, you girls did it. I may not for sure know if they're really "the one", no one knows for sure what future holds. But at this instance, at least you girls have something to call your own, something to love and hold. Someone who loves you so deeply. You dont know how much i wish to be in the same category as you girls, which poeple lable as the most loving couple, or the happiest couple or whatever you name it. You dont know how much i wish to go on double dates, triple dates with you girls. I am full of envy, but i am also very happy for you girls. And i really mean it. you lucky things.
You dont know how terrible i feel right now. You dont know the phobia that i have. You dont know how hard it is to forget.
You dont know, and you'll never know. Because you're not me and you'll never be me.
About a year ago, i had special feelings for a very very close friend of mine. I told him how i felt but i never expected him to shun away and ignore me from then on. 11 months now, and we've not contacted each other. At that point of time, i know i liked him. But i never thought of having a relationship because that scares me.
And this is very bad because when you love somebody, you'll definately wanna be in a relationship with him. That's what loving somebody is all about isnt it?
I think im sick. SO sick. I can fall in love with somebody, but i cant put myself into a relationship. I feel disgusted myself now because this is crap. Thanks God he didnt had feelings for me, if not i'll be an even loserish loser.
Ive typed too much, i think i should stop. Im getting too incoherent. Its too messy up my mind. I dont know what im doing, i dont know what im saying anymore.
Dont sympathize me, i dont need it. All i need, is to get out of this phobia and start living normally.
Last Sat when Leonard drove me home after supper at FeiFei, we exchanged random chats about his NS life, and suddenly he asked me a question.
"how come so long you still got no boyfriend huh?"
It got me pretty lost of words for a while because one, i dont expect him to ask me that and two, i really dont know what to say.
My mom and my close friends often ask me that question and i always get stumped. This time, it really got me thinking. I cant believe im now getting affected over a question!
I told Leonard that there are no guys going after me. Im probably too fat, or maybe too "man" (fyi, im so like a guy) for them. He said "cannot be, seriously you this kind sure alot of guys one, i see so many buang girls on the streets also got boyriend. You this type why will dont have."
I very seriously told him that there are no guys around me who i personally know who's interested in me. If they're interested but i dont know then that's worst because this kinda guy very useless.
The ratio of my guy friends to girls in my circle of friends is probably 8:1. I have different group of close guy friends but i've never got attracted to them, neither will they be interested in me.
So what exactly's the problem? 3 and a half years. Ive been living my life alone like that for 3 and a half years. Its not like i dont enjoy my singlehood. I like it when i dont have to tell someone else my whereabouts, where im going, who im going out with, what im doing. Or thinking about what he's doing, why didnt he call, is he out with another girl and things like that. I dont have to put in extra effort for somebody because i only have myself to care for.
I will only be somebody's girlfriend if i know the guy for a good few years and throughout the good few years, we've been pretty close friend. I must feel very comfortable with him, to the extent that i can meet him even without having make-up on, even when im in my pyjamas with pimple cream all over my face. I can say anything to him and do anything without thinking of preserving a good image or worry that his opinion about me will change. I must be myself in front of him and whatever unglam stuffs (probably sit with my legs on the table, pluck my armpit hair or something hahahha) im doing wouldnt affect his impression of me because we're too close and comfortable with each other already. I wanna know his family and they know mine too even when we're just friends because that makes me even more comfortable being together.
But the closer i am with my guy friends, the more i wont have that kinda feelings for them.
Can you ever imagine myself falling in love with anyone from the BBCs (except for Leonard since we once dated) nor the supper gang (can anyone ever imagine myself with Siwei or Eric or Leonard Khoo or WenQin or Alvin or Tze Shing?!?!?!) And i'll also not see myself being in love with the icytongers (like hello????)I dont think i'll be with any of the guys from BSC either!
But i do love to be out with them because they're ever so frank and fun. And to them, im just like another guy-friend.
And then i thought a little further. Was it because of the last break up that got me so badly hurt that i no longer believe in relationships? I think it did affect me quite a lot. I mean, i did go on dates with a couple of guys before and they were of pretty good boyfriend material. But whenever the thought of getting into a relationship, i'll start to withdraw. And thats exactly how my biggest regret came along, but thats another story altogether.
Just a few weeks ago, i dropped my last boyfriend a sms just to wish him a happy 26 birthday. He replied asking me who i am. That, im not really surprised. He probably lost his mobile or something, or delibrately delete me off from his list years ago. Then we exchanged a couple more random smses before we stopped at the last. He apologised, apologised for treating me the way he did and hurting me so badly. And i laughed it off, saying that its been so long and he's too silly to even mention it.
I cant believe i actually laughed it off, cos now im feeling the soar. Sorry? You're only telling me that youre sorry for the way you've treated me after 3 and a half years? And that's the only thing you can say? That you're sorry?
Throughout these period of time, have u ever changed? Have you really been sorry? If you had, you wouldnt have hurt more girls around you. What does a sorry mean to you? How much does that word actually weigh? Its probably just a word to you, but that overdued sorry made my life a huge turmoil. I didnt wait 3 and a half years just to hear you say sorry. I didnt exactly wait 3 and a half years for you, but the last break up made me a very very different person.
Yes, you people might think that im still young, and there's lots more chances and better guys out there. But tell me, how many more 3 years do i have to wait? How many more 3 years do i have to nurse this and finally dare to believe in relationships again? How many more 3 years will there be?
Times flies like a passing train. Time wait for no man. 3 years ago when im 17, my friends consoled me, telling me im still young and there will be more guys out there in the Poly. 3 years flew by and Amber is still the same old Amber.
3 years later, i'll be 23 and to think when im much younger i told myself that thats my ideal age of marriage and then we'll have kids at 25 and start a young happy family.
You think it'll come true? I think not because i'll probably still be the same Amber then.
3 years after 3 years, and more 3 years after 3 years. My birthday cake will soon have 3 big candles and probably a few small ones. And i can almost imagine that by then, i'll still be the same old Amber. The people who will celebrate my birthday, would not be my own very family with my hubby and kids, but my close friends' family with their hubby and kids.
That is such a sad scenerio but i can almost picture it.
Can you feel me? Can you feel my insecurities? Can you feel my fear? You cant. Because you people dont know how bad things were that ive gotten through.
You know, i am so envious of Shalyn, Meiting and Bird. I may not say it, but im really really jealous of you girls. Ups and downs of your relationships, going rounds and rounds in search for the one, you girls did it. I may not for sure know if they're really "the one", no one knows for sure what future holds. But at this instance, at least you girls have something to call your own, something to love and hold. Someone who loves you so deeply. You dont know how much i wish to be in the same category as you girls, which poeple lable as the most loving couple, or the happiest couple or whatever you name it. You dont know how much i wish to go on double dates, triple dates with you girls. I am full of envy, but i am also very happy for you girls. And i really mean it. you lucky things.
You dont know how terrible i feel right now. You dont know the phobia that i have. You dont know how hard it is to forget.
You dont know, and you'll never know. Because you're not me and you'll never be me.
About a year ago, i had special feelings for a very very close friend of mine. I told him how i felt but i never expected him to shun away and ignore me from then on. 11 months now, and we've not contacted each other. At that point of time, i know i liked him. But i never thought of having a relationship because that scares me.
And this is very bad because when you love somebody, you'll definately wanna be in a relationship with him. That's what loving somebody is all about isnt it?
I think im sick. SO sick. I can fall in love with somebody, but i cant put myself into a relationship. I feel disgusted myself now because this is crap. Thanks God he didnt had feelings for me, if not i'll be an even loserish loser.
Ive typed too much, i think i should stop. Im getting too incoherent. Its too messy up my mind. I dont know what im doing, i dont know what im saying anymore.
Dont sympathize me, i dont need it. All i need, is to get out of this phobia and start living normally.
sealed-with-a-kiss < 3:30:00 am
___________________________________________
* yours truly.
amber.ruoxuan\\twenty\
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20051987\\single\\operations analyst @ credit suisse\\friendster*
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